Like other solar calendars, the Imperial Standard follows a twelve-month model, most months having from 28 to 31 days. Unlike most solar calendars, however, the exact length of each month depends very much on the Emperor's mood. If His Worship feels, for instance, that a certain month is dragging on, or is becoming unprofitable, or unlucky, or just plain boring; or if he gets wind of a plot to take his life on the 29st day, he is free to cut the month short and add the difference to the end of some subsequent month. Frimary, however, is always 28 days short at most, unless the Emperor declares it a "Jump Year", in which case the days would number 29.
The names of the months have been derived from Olde Raunch, Rattin, and the Vulgus, as the MinoInno saw fit. They are as follows:
- Primary - The First Month
- Frimary - The Freezing Month
- Smarch - The Third Month, said to "Come in like a walrus and out like a ham."
- Soggus - The Rainy, Damp, and Muddy Month
- Merry - The Fifth month, the fifth day of which is celebrated as the "Festival of Sorrows"
- Bugs - The Month of Mosquitoes and Other Pestilences.
- Thermidor - The Hot Month
- Humidor - The Thick and Sweaty Month
- Milarkus - Named for the first Emperor, Milarkus the Malcontent
- Macabre - The Disturbing Month
- Notempre - The Cold Month
- Dismembre - The Month of Violence, during which we celebrate Giftsgiving and Beating Day.
History of the Calendar:Edit
Though the Emperor's power to lengthen and shorten months has always been an irksome bother to the more alert citizens, (it is not unknown to lose a birthday or two) the custom is so very antique, we suggest you accept it without question! Almost all seem content to forget the reason the Olde Kalendar Systym had been revised (i.e. Burned and Swore Off, Ceremoniously) in the first place was a horrid abuse of this very privilege' by one of the Inept Emperors, Commotion the Cultureless, who assumed his now famous crimes would be forgotten if and after he accelerated 12 months' time in less than a fortnight. He instead found his subjects just as angry twelve days laterŠ Arguably more so, as they had been cheated out of their Giftsgiving Holydays and seasonal Wassail Parties.
A violent civil war ensued, and because the Emperor -who was the first and only causality- kept the only copy of the calendar in his then-removed head, all track of Time was lost. Indeed, after everything had been sorted out, Giftsgiving was being observed in the summer, Bush and all. Rather than accept this odd twist of fate, the new Emperor asked the Ministry of Innovation to undertake, at no small expense, a reinvention of the Kalendar. The actual process took no less then three years from start to finish, during which there were absolutely no holydays, weekends, birthday parties, or tax collections. Archeologists are often interested to find headstones from that period, many of which follow this model: "Sir Fredyrck C. Stonemug, Belovyd Kobbler. Dyed in Year 1119 as of Year 1122."
Imperium citizens can expect to celebrate several Holydays and feast days each year, though not in the first two months. No one is exactly sure why this is, but it is, and it's likely to stay that way.
- Smarch 15th marks the Ides of Smarch, a patriotic holiday celebrating the massacre of the Evil President and the Corrupt Senate and the ascension of Milarkus, the first Emperor. The event is observed for exactly one week, 2 days, and 18 hours, which, incidentally, was also the extent of Milarkus' reign. It is essentially a drinking holyday.
- Smarch 28th is St. Swugg's day, celebrated in honor of the patron saint of sailors, who was also said to have brought snakes to Vulpinsula after not double-checking some dubious cargo. This is also, in essence, a drinking holyday.
- Soggus, ever wet and rainy, contains but one holyday, "Ignorance". This holyday consists of an elaborate sit-down dinner of bitter-tasting foods and tasteless bread. The dinner is held at sunrise, and is proceeded and anteceded by mysterious ritual and traditional music. This observance is called Ignorance as no one remembers exactly why it's celebrated.
- Merry the 5th marks the Festival of Sorrows, famed for its unparalleled displays of flagellism, weeping, and even the occasional gnashing of teeth. While this is not a drinking holyday, denizens are liable to live in the taverns for several days afterward, trying to forget lost time. The last Sunday of Merry is when we celebrate Muttersfeast, the day of Mothers-in-law.
- Bugs is a slow sort of a month, with Pater's Eve and Paterdee sitting on the first Friday and Saturday. These holydays celebrate fathers, which, due to social crisis and economic concerns, are a sort of limited resource in the modern Imperium.
- The Feast of Ilsen, who is an entirely unremarkable person who left large sums of money to various groups provisant on their remembering his death each year. Finally this became a holiday through sheer force of habit.
- Thermidor 5th marks the only holyday observed this month, Day of the Dive. Celebrated exclusively by the Missertross gulls, it is a day of observance of the birds exemplary service to the Imperium, wherein they are given the day off to do bird things. Citizens know this is a day to stay indoors, and the smell afterward keeps most there for at least a day more.
- The Summer swelters on until the 22nd of Humidor, when the Imperium celebrates the birthday of her greatest composer, Q. Amadeus Beetleborb.
- Macabre ends with the observance of Costumenacht, as parents dress up and try to scare their progeny into going to bed early. If the parents fail, however, the children must be given Quite A Lot of Candy and allowed to Stay Up Indefinitely.
- Notempre 8th, the old new year, is celebrated as "Old New Year's Day".
- The Violent, what we call the period between Dismembre the first and 21st, leads up to the holydays of Giftsgiving and Beating Day. As these particular days are extremely important and influential on the Imperial psyche, and provide more than 40 % of the Imperium's annual domestic economy, their particulars are explained elsewhere.
- New New Year's Eve is celebrated on the last day of Dismemebre. This is most certainly what you call a drinking holyday.
Also, and often as an added bonus, the Emperor reserves the right to create new holydays at will. And also also, the Emperor reserves the right to cancel, move, rename, abolish, and/or postpone any and all holidays. Sorry!