Miles She Worries Me by Tseegadu

Miles, as drawn by Tseegadu.


Miles S. Mistoffelees was previously known as the Minister of Niceties.

From the BunkEdit

Species Weasel

Gender Male

Weapon Sling


On Merry 1st, 1726, Sean C. Waters passed away.

To get a clear picture of just who and what Miles Mistoffelees is, we'll start with this simple explanation:

Miles Mistoffelees is a weasel. A Least Weasel, actually-- "Mustela Nivalis" is the scientific term, though nobeast knows what scientific really means. The reason I stress the fact that he's a Least Weasel (the most common sort of weasel found in the Imperium) is because the larger weasels of the Long-Tailed variety are often confused as stoats due to the fact that both have the black tail-tip. Miles does not have a black tail-tip. His tail is not incredibly long. Do not confuse Miles with a Long Tailed weasel.

Now that we have his species confirmed, as well as an abundance of male pronouns, we'll move on to markings, such as fur, paws, eyes, things of that ilk. Most weasels, it could be noted, are rather lightish-coloured; brown verging on red verging on a pale, pumpkin orange. Miles's fur goes the opposite way; brown verging on grey verging on brown verging on grey. He's not really either colour at all. Just a dark-brown, almost-grey coat, with the usual markings of cream-white chest and paws. His eyes could be said to be blue, evenly spaced on a pleasant-looking face with a polite little mouth that's usually heard to be saying "sorry" when not belting out a rousing chorus before hundreds of insane opera-goers.

In short: Ruffly white shirt, (with sleeve ruffles, too) black waistcoat, brown snakeskin gloves, a soft, clever tophat, and a broad-necked, sweeping dark blue cloak. Oh, and trousers, too. Probably black ones. Miles dislikes wearing footwear because he claims it, "interferes with one's ability to feel how much dust there is on any floor, ground or flat surface in general, sorry."

Miles's favourite weapon is his broom, which he almost always carries around with him, and which, when one grips the wooden bit with all the straw stuck in, and gives it a sharp twist to the left, unscrews into a rather mean metal spear-tip. Supposedly this is symbolic of something. Miles denies this, saying he just doesn't like to get mugged to and from work. He still gets mugged fairly regularly, however.

During formal occasions, Miles has been known to dress extravagantly and expensively. He almost never wears the same clothes twice to a party.


Miles Mistoffelees does not know exactly how old he is in Imperial Years. He's gotten by well enough by saying, "About thirty-ish" and changing the subject. Strangely, this seemed to work even when he was relatively young and couldn't pronounce "thirty" without using letters that have no business being used in that word, such as "F" and "W".

Miles began life in the Slups, but soon after his family moved to the Trenches; from there, to the Imperial Barracks and Condos, then back to the Trenches after his parents left him with his grandmother. Miles's first and only job was that of sweeping up places like the Imperial Libraries, the Museum, and various other boring, dusty places nobeast in their right mind would spend two minutes in. Tradition is something the Mistoffelees family has a lot of, and one such tradition was that each male got their chance to help sweep the Unsmudgable's Headquarters once every decade. Art stopped Miles from continuing this tradition:

When the Bully Harbour Opera House first opened and held auditions, Miles attended just out of curiosity-- he'd been told it was Fine Art, and having swept up around Fine Art all his life, he'd come to love it. A tendency to mumble and an accidental conversation with the Opera's managers landed him on the stage before the night was over, and Miles sang. And Miles sang. He was given a tutor, his first paycheck, and promised a few parts for some of the Opera's future shows. It was not long before Miles became the lead tenor in many of the more famous operas. Miles enjoyed it very much - the costumes, the music, the scenery, and especially the peanuts, which were best in town.

Miles's grandmother detested opera and music of every sort, however, leading to some complications. When Miles bought his first suit, she assumed it was for his sweeper job, and promptly ruined it when she cried on his shoulder about how proud she was. Miles hated lying, but he hated seeing his grandmother distraught even more, so he kept up his act of being a sweeper, while secretly ditching his jobs to sing in the Opera. It was this that caused him to break the past traditions of his family. When the call came for sweepers to clean the Unsmudgable's Headquarter's, Miles's many absences didn't even get his name on the list of possible candidates. He took it in stride, however, though with a touch of anger; his performances became better in the opera, as his silken voice grew a slight growl.

Life continued on until the day when the Minister of Niceties, Teresa Doxtrod-Lancaster, had been found by one of the sweepers in the Unsmudgable's Headquarters, where she was discovered lost in the labyrinths and living off wine and old pastries while admiring art. Declining her want to go back to office, the Unsmudgables put up little stalls here and there around town, giving out questionnaires to the Imperium's citizens. Miles grabbed one on his way to work one morning, and out of pure spite for the Unsmudgables, filled it out sarcastically.

His application was considered for the top three most likely to be elected the next Minister of Niceties.

His grandmother still didn't have a clue for a few weeks after that. As of Humidor, 1727, she is also quite dead.

Miles has been the Minister of Niceties for over a year now. Any further information will be found in his official published biography, which is slated to be printed a decade after his death. If there's anything specific one needs to know, Miles does appreciate the occasional Missertross.

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